The Name Game

 The past year has been full of debates regarding kids names, and the ability for kids to choose to be called by a different name in school..... so yeah, lets delve a little deeper into the name game. 

The fact is that not one single person on this planet gets to have any input on the name they are given at birth. I know no one asked me my opinion on the name I was given. Did I like it? Did it resonate with who I was? Who I would become? Did it embody the essence of me? Is it something I could see myself responding to for the rest of my life?

The people responsible for us (parents, relatives, guardians) choose our First names based on their own values, rules, criteria, beliefs, etc. There are those who research the meaning of names, and then give their children names that embody certain values like bravery, honesty, faith, hope. Others use a set group of family names, like royal houses which have lists of approved ancestral names that one can choose from. Or families that give their sons the same name as the paternal line triggering the whole annoying Jr, I, II, III. There are those who choose names from religious texts in order to honor their religious beliefs and hopefully endow their children with the characteristics of these figures. Then there is the trend of giving your children unique names that are spelled in weird ways that no one knows how to pronounce, or spell correctly, thus cursing their kids to a lifetime of explaining their names. There is also, what I call, the realist group which names their kids after real objects, places, months, flowers, food, seasons (apple, candy, Arizona, Paris, April, summer, rose, river, etc). And finally, the parents that have to have all names starting with the same letter, or be comprised of the same number of letters. 

Once the First name is chosen and presented, it seems that for some reason everyone expects it to be set in stone. But the reality is that children wind up with nicknames that may suit them better, or be easier to pronounce, or may help differentiate them from other family members with the same name (Robert-Rob-Bob). Friends and family will shorten long names for ease of speech and/or familiarity (Elizabeth-Eliza-Liz-Beth). Some, like my brother, bypass their first name completely and only use their middle name. And then there are those like me who choose to completely change their name to something that suits them better, or because they have names that are common in one country, but when you move to another they don't make sense or are completely unpronounceable in the local language.

Last names started out as a patriarchal sign of ownership. After all we all know who the mother is, she births the children, the last name is the fathers way of taking ownership of those kids "These are mine", and ultimately ownership of the mother. The reason why women change their name when they marry is because it designates a legal change in ownership. A woman went from being her father's property to being her husband's property. We have advanced enough in the developed world that this is no longer true. It is just an outdated tradition. True, now adays our Last names are a connection to our family lines in the past, but in a patriarchal society where women are still expected to change their names at marriage, no one thought twice about my change of last name. 

Full disclosure: I am not Trans, I am a cis gendered female. And I legally changed my name at 18, as soon as I was legally allowed to. I changed both my first and my last name. My parents still call me by my birth name, even though I have had my current name for 34 years, much longer that I answered to my birth name. Does it upset me? Yeah, a bit. I mean they have no problem switching to a married name when an acquaintance gets married, but 34 years, and they "just can't get used to it". So, yeah it bothers me. I spent my high school years trying out different name combinations, and signatures (to see what would flow better) and then ultimately I settled on a name that made my soul happy. Like literally. I got a happy feeling in my chest whenever someone called me by my chosen name. I stood up straighter. I felt more confident. Prouder. This was who I was. Who I was meant to be. This name had significance for me. Enough significance that when I married I kept it. Funny enough my husband and his family weren't bothered since he was Quebecois, but my family was bothered by my refusal to change a name that made me happy. 

This process made me realize that our names are not a skin colour, or eye colour - they are not a genetic inheritance from our parents that cannot be changed.  First names though are a free for all. If it doesn't suit, change it. No offence to anyone, but you don't owe anyone anything when it comes to your First name. If it doesn't suit you, change it. You, and only you will have to live with that name for the rest of your life. It will be on every piece of ID, passports, diplomas, mortgages, loans, employment docs. Anything of significance in your life will carry that name. Might as well make it match who you are inside. I have a friend who hated her name so much she legally changed it to the nickname she was given as a child. My brother, who uses his middle name, has only his first initial on all of his ID's, diplomas, etc. Not sure how he managed that, but he did. Last names too can be changed, and not just by women. My aunt's husband changed his last name to hers when they got married. I also know a few people who chose a completely different last name when they got married, so both of them had to go through the name change process. You can legally hyphenate your last names to your partner (my brother did that), or even do a name mash up for a new last name (think Bennifer but for last names)

Ultimately our names are out identity. The first impression someone has of us. And I believe they should reflect who we really are. I'm not saying everyone should go out there and choose a different name. Most people are happy to keep the names they were given, even if it doesn't resonate with them. But I do think that we should let our kids explore other names if they want to. They may never choose a different name. Just like they eventually decide that being  pirate is not the right profession for them. But when I was in school most of us had nicknames or were using other names. No one had to call our parents and ask permission to use the names we asked for. And my mom always handed me the phone, when she couldn't figure out who the caller was looking for. I get it that we 80's kids ran wild and pretty much raised ourselves, but seriously people, I guarantee that 90% of us still have our birth names. And those of us who changed our names, are perfectly happy, well adjusted, contributing members of society. No harm, no foul.

Parents today need to take a step back and realize, that just because you gave your child a name it does not mean they like it, or want to keep it. This is not an afront against the parent. Your kids are not trying to hurt you, they are just trying to forge their identity. Most of the talk I've heard is how kids are too young to make a name change... and you're right! A child cannot legally change their name. But asking their friends and teachers, in a safe environment, to call them by a different name than the one on their birth certificate is NOT legally changing their name, they are NOT transitioning, they are simply exploring who they are, who they want to become. They are not hurting anyone by doing this, after all it's JUST a name - it's not surgery, or amputating a limb, heck it's not even a permanent legal name change. I went through at least a dozen names before I found one that made me happy. It did not change who I was, it was just a better representation who I was. 

This excessive micromanagement of every aspect of our children's life is not going to benefit them in the log run. They must learn to make decisions, and live with the consequences of those decisions - good, bad, or indifferent. Schools are a safe place for that. They allow our kids to forge identities, learn conflict resolution, cooperation, project and time management, getting along with people from all walks of life, cultures, religions, genders and sexual orientations - even people they don't like or agree with. Our job as parents is to teach our children to be independent, productive, law abiding members of society. To be able to think independently and problem solve in an emergency. To be tolerant of other cultural, political and religious beliefs so that we can all live together in a cohesive society. What name they use to identify themselves to others doesn't matter. Not really. They will succeed or fail based on their own merits, hard work, work ethic. Not weather they use the name you gave them at birth.